I’ve always thought others urging you to forgive and forget was contrived and insincere because I don’t believe that you can do it at will. It is just not easy and and many of us (if not all) will go to our graves with a grudge, a hurt, a wound, or a gaping hole in our hearts.
For far too many years, I hated these people in my life. They’ve wounded me deeply when I was younger and the very mention of their names used to bring waves of revulsion. On the best days, I could forget they existed. On the worst, I couldn’t function. My mind and others told me to forgive. I made a resolution every time, just like New Year’s eve resolutions to find help for my insomnia. But it just didn’t and couldn’t happen. What I felt was far beneath the ministrations of the outside world or even my mind. I just couldn’t get to it.
Until now.
The blessed month brought the usual family phone calls and banter. The names eventually came up in conversation the way they always did. I couldn’t believe it the first time so I actually brought their names up myself a few times afterward. I felt nothing. No pain, no sickness in the pit of my stomach, no anger, no imaginary talk where I scream at their face and say everything I’ve ever wanted to say. Nothing. I wonder if this is forgiveness. I wish them no harm. I don’t even remember them in hate.
I think I’ve reached that spot I thought I couldn’t reach.
Funny how forgiveness works. If this is what forgiveness is.
