So I am not afraid of flying. Or so I thought until last night when I flew from Chicago to small town, Louisiana. I took a dinky little xaarness that masquerades as a plane. Can I just tell you that O’Hare is hell’s waiting room? Next!

The first air pocket or turbulence patch as they call them got me into survivor mode. The old dude sitting next to me is tall and thin. But he has a beer gut. Good. I can eat him for 3 days if we go down. The woman ahead of me is loud and fat. There are no seas or oceans where we’re flyin’ but just in case we land in a river or a bayou, I can use her for a floatation device.

Notice how everybody around me is dying miserably while nomad extraordinaire scavenges unscathed? When taking off, there is this large whirr. Why didn’t I take a bigger jet? Swoop, screech, roar! What? Is that the sound of the engine stalling now?!!

The teenager 2 rows down is laughing, joking and high-fiving her friends. Tune her out and read a Sura – one of those short ones Ayeyo taught you. Did she say that it will make you feel better before you crash 1000 miles/hour into the ground and burn into a thousand little (very attractive) pieces. Oh, Ayeyo, how I wish you were alive so I could tell you that you were wrong.

Begin reading “qol howa allahu al…”

Loud, teenage laughter.

Where was I in the Sura? Why am I sweating?

Barely finish the Sura. The Captain says there is more turbulence and to expect it for a while longer. He tells his crew to take their seats while the lights blink on and off. Back to the Fatiha.

A loud roar of laughter. Nervous giggles, maybe. They’re interrupting my catastrophic thoughts. Now she’s just talking loud. What is her bleeding problem? Stupid cunt scab. Oh, no! Look what she made me do. I’m cussing in the middle of pleading for my life. Please don’t kill me. I’ll just bring my bad attitude to your neighbourhood.

Besides, I haven’t had that illicit affair with the professional surfer from the black sand beaches of Greece. Oh mon dieux, did I say that? Je suis vraiment désolé.

Thirty minutes to landing. Wonder where I put my floss. I’ve always fallen asleep once I got on a plane but I gather there is a first time for everything. Even cowardice.