Aya

Summer 1987

I did everything I promised I would do but why won’t she eat?  “Ayeyo, ayeyo,” I said, “I have canjeero for you, I made the last 3 and I wanted you to have them”.  She just held my wrist and asked me to carry her spit can and to walk slowly.  I think she’s worried that I’ll spill it like last time.

I hear them whispering that it is all up to him now and we are waiting for his watch.  And to pray for her but my grandmother didn’t say anything this morning.  She wants to sit outside in the sun so I help her up.  Ayeyo says that I smell worse than the cat.  Everyone hears me laugh. She’s right.

I have to hurry though, today’s the parade.  Everyone in the neighbourhood will be there. I only see these kids in the summer and I don’t like most of them but they swore that the parade was the best thing and I wouldn’t stop talking about if for days.

My ayeyo is the best person in this house.  She never shouts and never thinks that my brothers and I are making too much noise.  She’s just not right and I can feel it.  Her nails are yellow and she now needs someone to sit her down and stand her up.  She loves me the most and she keeps a lock of my hair in her drawers.  I only eat with her and now she won’t eat.  I pray and pray and pray to you.  Please, please, please don’t let her get any sicker.

They lied about the parade, I couldn’t see anything.  After waiting for 1 full hour outside, some cars drove by with flags on the windshields.  A few women ululated and that was it.  I came back to the baranda but ayeyo was already inside.  I should’ve just stayed with her.  Now her stupid nephew is here and I hate him.  I wish it was him who had the yellow hands and couldn’t eat.  Him and his stupid wife and his four stupid kids.

Today I let my younger brother take my share of the sweet.  I ran after him and sat on him like I always did.  Then I bit him like I always do.  I remembered ayeyo said that if you want something from God, you have to give him something.  I stopped my teeth before they dug into his arm.  I didn’t hear his usual scream.  I let him stand up and he laughed at me and put the whole thing in his mouth.  I don’t care about the stupid candy.

I have these tears on my face and I don’t know what to do.  I hate crying.  I’m the toughest girl in the neighbourhood and at school.  I run faster and swim better than most of the boys.  Last week, I cut my foot on a piece of glass and didn’t even move when they took it out.  I only want one thing and I will never, ever ask you for anything again.

Are you there, God?

It’s me again, Aya….

After a stressful day, I go home aching for a bath and I notice something in the mirror afterwards.  A little gravity action is happenin’.  I am just not impressed.  You see, I always had perky boobs (practically at my neck as a teenager).  A little boobage sadness is happening.  Majorly pissed off.  Silent scream.  Damn.

Let me, erm, compare:

Ten years ago: Boobs got their schtick under control.  Don’t need bra except in the gym or on the tracks although a sports one is an absolute must.

Now: A little downward attitude.  Whattagon! Still a small B with perfect half-moon shape (*giggles at description, narcissus anyone??*) but lower.  Now I have to wear a rib-crushing bra even at home.  You know.  To slow things down.  Damn.

Don’t get me wrong, I still think I look better than that Halle Berry cow in Monster’s Ball. But I’m just sayin: whattagon!!  I love to run and will not give up training for next year’s marathon but I am strapping these babies down from now on.  Damn.

So to deal with this newer development, I am going to be proactive, hit the iron while it’s hot, a stitch in time saves nine.  Pick your cliché and I am it.

I am getting a new bathroom MIRROR.

So what do you think, #1 or #2?

#1 #2

Dear Mr. Morgan Freeman,

Please find attached an invoice in the amount of $45.75. I am billing you for a film titled ‘10 Items or Less’ and I ask you, kindly, to send me a reimbursement check. Let me preface the following by saying that you are one of my favourite actors. I have not missed a single film of yours for the past 10 or 15 years.

When you lost the Oscar in 1995 for the Shawshank Redemption, I screamed and cussed at our TV screen. My mother spilled her tea from my hollerin’ and proceeded to read verses of the Quran over my head to calm me down. I thought you deserved to win. Ten years later, I celebrated your win with that Eastwood film.

I do not understand why you starred in ‘10 Items or Less’ . What could have possibly possessed a man of your talent and influence to engage in this sham of a comedy? You spent 1 hour and 30 minutes sitting next to a young Spanish woman, speaking rubbish and grinning like a fool.

Why won’t you produce and push for films about the slavery? Have the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Blacks escaped your attention? What about the 2 million Black men in prison now? Could you not find a single story to tell? H’wood continues to invent and distort, ignore and belittle our history & you choose to do trash despite your power.

I understand that you are not singularly responsible but if you will indulge in cinematic jerk off moments like this film, please do it in your bedroom with your lotion.

Yours in truth,

Aya

P.S. The invoice for $45.75 is broken down like this: $3.75 for the movie rental and$42.00 for punitive charges. I demand these charges because I spent 30 minutes writing you this letter and missed a nightly phone appointment with my 3-year old niece. She was to sing the Itsy Bitsy Spider for me.

How many cadaan people can I kill before God notices??

Tax booth in a government office, li’l old me, hair frizzing and suit looking as fresh as a garbage bag.  Sixty minutes in traffic, 38 degree weather, and car air conditioning not working.  Walk straight towards Cadaan Woman, 50s, most curious pock marks on the face.

Me: “Is this the right place for property assessment disputes?”

Cadaan Woman: “Huh.”

Me: “I’m sorry, did you say ‘yes’?”

Cadaan Woman: “Heh.”

Me: (puzzled but not pissed off). “May I speak with a tax assessment agent, please?”

Cadaan Woman: (turns around, climbs ever so slowly out of high chair): “Pfffff.”

Me: (thinking WTF!!!)

Cadaan Woman: (walks away).

Next Booth.

Cadaan Man, 40s, round and red-cheeked, mouth open in perpetual O.

Me: “Pardon me, I need to speak to someone about my tax assessment.”

Cadaan Man: “What assessment?”

Me: “One that was issued by your office.  I need to speak to someone about getting an independent assessment.

Cadaan Man: “Hmmfff!”

Now I’m straining forward, worried that I am losing my hearing.

Me: “Pardon?”

Cadaan Man: (Pause) “I..Can’t..really..tell..you. Call the 1800 number”.

Bile is beginning to rise, mouth twisting in all sorts of angry shapes.

Me: “Are you a tax agent?”

Cadaan Man: “U-huh.”

Me: “I beg your pardon.”

Cadaan Man: (sighing loudly by now) “Yep, uhuh .”

Me: “Mind telling me why you people grunt when speaking?”

Cadaan Man: (Just stares and says NADA).

Me: (a little impatient now) “I’ve been here for 45 minutes and can’t get anyone to answer my questions.”

Cadaan Man: “Miss, you can’t raise your voice in this office!  If you have a complaint, I can get my manager.”

Me: “Oh, so you do know how to speak in complete sentences!.”

Cadaan Man: “I don’t have to take any abuse from you.  You see that sign, it’s not allowed by order of By-Law number 53….”

Me: “Oh, and you know about by-laws and legislations and rules too!

Why won’t you help me with my tax assessment?”

Cadaan Man: “Miss, I’m calling security if you don’t leave these premises right NOW!”

Back in the car, suit has seen better days, my tax assessment paper sweaty and crumpled in my curled fist.  Must get back to work in 20 minutes.

I love city life.

Invasion of personal space, that is.

How many people know that we as primates need a certain distance away from other primates? Whatever happened to common sense?

ψ When you speak, if a large wad of your 3-cheese omelet from this morning lands squarely on my forehead, you’re too damn close!

ψ If your good morning, how are you today? fogs up my glasses and curls my nose hairs, you’re too damn close!

ψ When you change your standing position or move side-to-side, if your swinging backpack gives me a laceration and a concussion, you’re too damn close!

ψ If your face is closer to the bank machine keyboard than mine, you’re too damn close!

ψ If I can hear your wife’s bitchin’ and complainin’ on the other side of your cell phone conversation, you’re too damn close

SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!

Here’s the kicker: you move an inch, they follow you.  And they have the audacity to give you an up and down look if you move away.

I don’t care how friendly you are, if you get too close, it’s a hostile gesture and you better BUST A MOVE cause I’m gonna move on ya’.  Shiiiit.

Would definitely beat the close-page-open-page photo organizing thing I do now.

Surface Computing.

Last year, I thought it would be a good idea to go back and complete a PhD program I had withdrawn from after 1 semester. I felt ready after nearly 7 years full time work in the field and many other years (both before and concurrently) of other non-related but shall we say, ahem, character-building jobs and life arrangements.  I was worn out from full time work with shit pay, full time study, and losing clumps of hair to stress.

No two people have the same experiences doing graduate studies. However, I’m going to list a few lessons that I’ve learnt from being a graduate student in the past, interviewing and working with newly minted folks with advanced degrees, and spending the past year writing proposals.

DO:

• Research and interview faculty in the department.
• Send an e-mail expressing interest but not committing to any project yet.
• No matter how bright or creative you are, you will be doing a small piece of his or her work. Read as much as you can about what they do.
• Talk to past students w/discretion. Present students maybe too afraid. Ask them questions about deadlines, support for grants, thesis support, how much of a slave are you expected to be and so on.
• Begin your applications about 16-18 months before the semester you are intending to enroll.
• If you are an undergrad. right now or just finished a year or two ago, collect your letters of recommendations even if you have no plans yet.
• The best way to get strong letters is to do some independent study papers that allow the professor to get to know you.
• File them away with a company like Interfolio or with your school’s career center. It can be stressful and annoying to chase people who may or may not remember you.
• I served as a student rep. for admissions in my final year and nearly 75% of student evaluation was based on how well they think they can work with you from these evaluations.
• Make sure that your grades are excellent in at least the final 2 years of the program.
• If you have to write an admission test such as GMAT or GRE for different subjects, prepare for them at least one (1) full year. Believe me, it is worth it.

DON’T:

• Don’t go straight through from undergrad. Give yourself time to find out what you like and learn to deal with the ‘outside’ world.
• Don’t sign up to work with a professor simply because you liked his or her class. Learn more about what they do and whether you envision yourself doing it too.
• Steer clear of the ‘popular’ professors, unless they are the only ones doing what you positively, absolutely, unequivocally must study. They tend to run their offices like a private company and you will be pimped a lot. Little supervision but lots of exploitation.
• They may lure students with promises of connections in industry (and may very well have these connections) but weigh your options first.
• Don’t spend 100% of your time working on the thesis and classwork alone. Spend a few hours a week (even for free) in a practical setting. It will do wonders for your resume, connections, and practical knowledge.
• Don’t be afraid to walk away if you learn more about the field/industry/professors/work prospects. It is YOUR life.

Despite this, working towards an advanced degree no doubt enriches your life. I have a few more thoughts I will touch upon in the next couple of weeks on JOBS and/or FIELDS that are going to be in high demand over the next few years. And I might share what I know about financial aid and maybe writing good research proposals (unless your degree is course-based).